I haven't been able to bring myself to write a blog post in two months. Over the last couple of years this has become more of an adoption blog than anything... and I'm okay with that because adoption has taken up much of our life. But things have been about so much more than our process over the last couple of months that I'm just now sitting down to update. I'm forcing myself, more or less.
The Holidays came and went. They were good. We spent Thanksgiving with friends here at our home. Then it was Christmas and all of the activity leading up to that, including with American Heritage Girls and my part in helping plan their big Christmas party. The kids and I enjoyed Daddy being home for nearly two full weeks. We started house shopping in December. We moved into the little rent house we are currently in last February, when our home in Harrison wasn't selling, and after four months of our family being separated (Robby was here in Bentonville staying at a hotel every week and working at his new job) we were DONE. So we rented this home in order for us to be together again. Do I appreciate what this home has been to us? Absolutely. Is it adequate for our needs? Absolutely not. It was meant to be temporary and so we are ready to move on now that our Harrison house is no longer standing in our way. After looking at houses in all corners of NWA, we found a beautiful home in Bella Vista that meets our needs and our budget. We made an offer and it was accepted just before Christmas. We are expected to close on the home on February 5th and we could not be more ready! All of us are incredibly excited about this move into a much bigger, much nicer home. Here are a few pictures from December:
Scotland and Jubilee wearing their dress-up gifts from Nana
Watching a family Christmas themed movie and eating popcorn on Christmas Eve (a tradition)
All of the kids wearing their new PJs and house shoes on Christmas Eve
On Christmas night I found out that one of my dearest, closest, and long-lasting friends had passed away the day prior at the age of 36. Raylen and I were friends since I met him at 180 (youth group) at Family Church in White Hall, Arkansas. I was 15, he was 19. My first words to him were "shut up". Confusing? It wasn't in that moment. Looking back, it's appropriate of the relationship we had. It seems from the instant we became friends, we were indescribably close. Yes, we were opposite genders, but it ultimately didn't have a negative impact on our friendship or our relationships with others. We even ended up marrying (other people, obviously) one day apart. Raylen and I knew each other for 17 years- that's over half of my life. He was, without a doubt, one of those paramount individuals that helped make me who I am as a woman. He is so tightly wound around most aspects of my life that I couldn't erase him if I wanted to. To explain the heartbreak I've endured during this season of my life is impossible; the passing of this infinitely significant person has shattered my heart completely. The hardest thing to try to wrap my mind around is knowing that I will be living for so much longer- parenting, grandparenting, going on adventures, making memories with family and friends, surpassing more milestones, etc- and he won't be here. It is somehow so difficult to imagine living in a world where Raylen is no longer alive and breathing. The pain is intense and trying to "work through it" feels akin to attempting to run through a football field of quicksand.
Raylen and I in Benton, Arkansas in May 2007
I went back to Little Rock a couple of weeks ago for Raylen's open-casket service. I wasn't there long, but I was overwhelmed by the recognition and love that I received from his close family members and some old friends who were present from my youth group all those years ago. Seeing Raylen's body was... confusing. I was there because I knew that he would have wanted me to be there, but seeing his corpse was disturbing. It didn't look like my friend. I've seen bodies before and they always look strange in comparison to the actual living version of the person, but this just didn't sit well with me. This felt wrong. Like an imposter. I couldn't even bring myself to walk all of the way up to the casket; I could only stand about three feet back and glance over multiple times. It just... it wasn't right at all. Sometimes I find myself wondering, "What if he isn't really dead? What if he faked his death? What if someone took him and replaced his body with an artificial one?" I know these thoughts are weird and highly unlikely. I've even wrestled so much with the "possibility" that if I called Raylen, he might answer, or if I message him on Facebook, he might read it and respond, that I've actually done it. Of course, it was to no avail. He is gone and somehow... some way... that has to penetrate. Thankfully, I have friends who have been there for me in beautiful ways. Two of my friends in particular- Nicole and Kaylyn- dropped everything to go with me down to Little Rock to attend Raylen's service. They have been patient with me, loving, and understanding. My husband, Robby, has also been so wonderful to me. He gets the brunt of my grief and he is so good with it and with me. Raylen's passing has been a real eye-opener to me and it has had many layers of sorrow. I am grateful to know that I can count on a good few, no matter the circumstance.
On the adoption front: we heard back from the adoption authorities in Latin America about our dossier a few weeks ago. They had twelve additional questions for us and they required us to involve our psychologist and home study social worker. It's been a few weeks of answering questions in a very particular way, sending the answers to our psychologist and social worker, they work on it, they send it back to us and to our adoption agency for edits, agency sends it back with edits to make, they work on it and send it back to our agency again, blah blah blah, until it's done. And it is, as of last Friday. We should hear back yet once again from the adoption authorities within the next few weeks. HOPEFULLY it will be an approval and not more work to do. All of this "extra" requires additional large chunks of money. Right now our adoption savings account is pretty much dry. We do have several thousand dollars worth of grants, but we cannot obtain those until we have been approved to adopt Lene. We are nearing the end, but we aren't quite there just yet. We are hanging in there because we love her.
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