It’s been a tough past few days. Robby and I have been working through our emotions about being denied the ability to adopt Lene and what that means for both our family and for that precious little girl. There is so much to feel and there’s a seemingly endless string of thoughts running through my head. And honestly, there is also relief. The relief isn’t from the denial itself, of course, but I have found that there lies a release in knowing that the fight is finally over. At the very least we can rest in the comfort of realizing that we did absolutely everything we possibly could and we fought a long, hard, heartfelt battle.
I have struggled with how boldly I’ve stepped out in my faith with this adoption, knowing what the Lord had instructed Robby and I to do, and watching the end result turn out unexpectedly. Short of the past few months, I never believed we’d be walking away from our pursuit of Lene empty handed. My version of victory was bringing her home. However, God knew all along what the turnout would be and for whatever reason, He chose not to let us in on it. Looking back over the last 2 years and 8 months that we have been in the adoption process, I still believe with my entire heart that we heard directly from God and we took every step He instructed us to take. None of it was easy- not a single phase throughout the entirety- but we did it anyway. We weren’t always convinced that what we were doing made sense in a natural way (given how large our family already is and how much overflow we have on our plate day to day), but we chose to believe God. We chose to push aside our worries and concerns, to not choose the path to what the world told us is the ideal life and how adopting Lene would take us even further from that, and we moved forward. We want her. We love her. We chose her. We still feel that she is our daughter… some way, somehow. Despite the weariness and heartache we are now experiencing, we’d fight for her all over again; even if the end result was the same.
Right now, I think the thing I am struggling with the most is the possibility that Lene will grow up to one day realize that she is an orphan, abandoned at merely days old, and she may feel that she isn’t valuable. It tears apart my very soul to think that she may believe the lie that she was a mistake or that she is unwanted and unloved. I wish that I could hold her in my arms and tell her how untrue that is; I want to explain to her that our family fought so hard to bring her home, that we accept her for exactly who she is and that in our hearts she is already a part of our family. I fear that she will fall asleep at night feeling utterly alone and that she has no one in this whole wide gigantic world who is willing to step up on her behalf and desire her enough to be welcomed into their life. I want her to know that we want to be those people and we gave it all we had to be able to do so because she is so dearly and desperately loved and wanted. I can’t change the government’s decision, but I have a God who can. If, in the future, we come to a place where we are allowed to bring Lene home, we will do so. At this time, however, it isn’t so. My insides ache from that reality and I will always be aware that there is a place for her here, even if it’s never filled.
That is where I am mentally/emotionally right now. Robby and I both are hurting for Lene and for our family. The kids didn’t take it well; there was some crying and pained hearts. Thankfully, kids are resilient little creatures and they move on pretty easily. We are simply mourning this loss, while still knowing that there was and is a point to this long journey, and staying afloat in the day to day flurry of activities and responsibilities. We have come to a crossroads in the adoption process and we have to make a decision whether or not to back out entirely, wait to hear about the upcoming new guidelines that Latin America is putting into place and decide if we can and/or still want to pursue a different child from there, or switch to a different country entirely and essentially begin the process anew (although not financially). We’ve been given just a few weeks to decide on this or all of the finances we’ve paid to our adoption and home study agency will be voided. That is what we are trying to focus on for the time being.
Lene still doesn’t have a family. She deserves more. I wish I could show the world at large how these children experience a greater tragedy than most of us will ever know and are robbed of the one thing every person should have a right to: being loved. If nothing else, I hope and pray that our adoption journey has shed some light on the fact that these kids need someone who is willing to step up and fight for them. They need families. They need acceptance and safety and they need to be cherished. They need us. You and me. They are worth every single second of our time, every single penny that we spend, every ounce of emotion that we put into the struggle, and every high and low that comes out of it. We are called to help those in need and these kids need us desperately. More of us have to be willing to step up and fight. We have to.
To all of those who have been praying for us and for Lene: THANK YOU.
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